falnerestate | [CLOSED] tell me what can i say ( what can i say, what can i say )

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[CLOSED] tell me what can i say ( what can i say, what can i say )

WHO: Hikaru Shinta, Joshua LaRue + Rhiannon Board of Directors and Senior Partners
WHAT: Hello, Again.
WHERE: The Rhiannon Towers - Tokyo, Japan
WHEN: 2 January 2066
SAFE FOR WORK? Yup!
OTHER NOTES: ALL THE AWKWARD.

[ The Universe is mocking him.

That is Joshua LaRue's precise thought as he hurries past the reception area of the Rhiannon Towers in Tokyo to head straight for the elevator that will take him up to where the Board of Directors and Rhiannon's Senior Partners are meeting for the Annual post-New Year's meeting.

Everything had been planned down on his end right down to the tiniest detail: he'd touched down in Narita early the evening before, checked into his hotel ( because, no, not staying at Seigi where Hikaru might be ) and made damn sure to deal with the jetlag he was feeling and forcibly worked to align his body clock to the change in timezone.

This morning, he'd gotten up at the crack of daw, had breakfast up in his room, gone through all the necessary documents he had to review for the meeting, checked his own presentation and got ready to leave with more than enough time to spare.

Everything was perfect: he should have arrived at the Towers an hour early, which would let him get a feel of things and have time to figure out how to adjust accordingly to Hikaru's presence.

And then a freak road accident backed up traffic for about an hour and a half.

Now he's late, flustered, a little stressed and stopping only for a minute outside the boardroom to straighten his tie and run a hand through his hair before he quietly turns that knob to step in—

—right as Hikaru's up front and talking.

Someone shoot him now.

~~Your evoker is in the shape of a handgun, Joshua.~~

~~LEO. SHUT. UP.~~

~~I was just being helpful.~~

He would really like to do this day over. Please? ]

Sorry.

[ He'll just... quietly wander to the nearest empty chair. Carry on. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[And as this one, like everyone else in the room, is noticing you come in, as his eyes catch sight of your form and cling for dear life for a bit too long, Hikaru Shinta suddenly wants to kill Jessiah Vice for deflecting earlier.

"Is Josh going to be around?"

"Eh. Probably? Can't say for sure, the guy's pretty busy."

Yes, Mr. Vice. You are going to die. Slowly. And painfully.

...After Hikaru's done feeling like shit, perhaps, because right now he's completely lost his train of thought and he has an entire crowded waiting on him. At least most of them have no idea what's going on, and those that do are pretending not to notice that anything is amiss.]

It's okay. [Right. Looking away from you now, and back to what he was doing ~~even if a lot of it has suddenly stopped making sense~~.] Anyway, as I was saying...

[It takes him a few seconds too long to really recover and get back to his presentation. So much for starting the new year right.

By Elaine, it's suffocating in here. And to think that he had felt cold just a few minutes previous.]

Edited 2014-08-11 06:47 (UTC)

[ He swallows and attempts to see if there's a free seat beside any of his people, but as late as he is, all the chairs near Mica, August, or any of his other people from Manila are taken. Which leaves... the sole empty chair up front.

Right where Hikaru is.

Right.

Just breathe, Josh. It's not like you haven't seen him in a year. It's not like you've spent the last almost thirteen months wishing he'd call, or drop in on your birthday, or maybe touch base even if just to say hello.

( He's suddenly acquiring a new appreciation for having to deal with Leo's talkative and inquisitive nature, because he's managing to keep his face straight and professional even if he swears, that's his heart hanging right out of his opened chest. ) ]

[Well, isn't he the fucking lucky one here? Being stuck doing this stupid presentation while his boyfriend comes over and fills in the one seat that gives him the perfect view of a face he's missed for far too long.

Some quick thinking on his part lets him skim over some of the details that he's pretty sure he can afford to leave for others to refer to on their own, and his own eloquence prevents nearly everyone from noticing the fact that he's doing his damned best to hurry the fuck up and finish.]

That's it from my end. The entirety of my proposal's in the file I've sent to your consoles.

[With that, he's taking his seat right across of where Josh happens to be. Excuse him for not looking even once in your direction, and occupying himself rather thoroughly with fixing his things.

This is so awkward.]

[ He's turning to the section of your presentation and catching himself up even as he discreetly sneaks looks your way.

You look like you haven't had a good night's sleep in months, you won't look his way, you're also a whole lot thinner than when he saw you last. If he didn't know better, he'd say that you've been running yourself into the grou—wait. What is he talking about.

This is you. It is entirely possible.

He's turning his eyes away from you at that and lifting a hand to scratch absently at his left eyebrow. It's a habit he's been really bad at kicking, that tell. ]

[And since he has decided to place a great amount of effort into trying not to notice that you're around (it doesn't really work, by the way), you don't get caught looking at him. Not once.

In fact, barely three minutes into the next presentation, Hikaru's fetching his cigarette case and quietly excusing himself from the room. He can't breathe in here anymore. Your mere proximity is enough to make his heart ache.

He stays out there for the duration of three cigarettes, ones that he barely felt because he was trying really, really hard to get his shit together and not fall apart. When he comes back and takes his seat again, he doesn't look much better.

Trust him. He doesn't feel better either.]

[ He deliberately keeps his eyes glued to the presentation when you rise from your seat, because as much as seeing you go is gutting him right now, no one else needs to know that. Those who know him best will be able to tell though, that he's trying to keep his mind off of your absence from the tells: lips in a line, the amount of focus he's giving his copy of the presentation, the way he's occasionally shifting his grip on his pen.

It's only when you return that the tension bleeds out of him — and only just. He couldn't quite breathe right without you in the room, if any of that makes any sense.

He'll observe you a little bit more until the usual round table check-up from Ayame and Bart goes around, and then he'll move his attention back to the meeting at hand and answer accordingly. ]

Edited 2014-08-11 08:21 (UTC)

[You've seen your boy during meetings like this before. He's usually animated, attentive, witty, absolutely charming.

He is none of those at the moment. In fact, it appears as though if anyone gave him the option to disappear right then and there without any ramifications, there is a high probability that he'd take it.

When the meeting is finally over, he's one of the first board members who stands up. There's a smile on his lips now, but it's brittle and a tad forced. Only you and a few others would notice, though. He's always been so good at hiding what he's feeling from strangers. (Heck, he's occasionally great at doing it with people he loves too. You'd know, wouldn't you?)

Yes, he's on the first batch of folks who take the elevator up to the Upper Garden, where a late lunch will be served with drinks. Yes, by the time you come up, he's doing that mandatory round of socialization. Yes, it looks like he'd rather be elsewhere.

Yes, he's avoiding your gaze. He's doing that rather studiously, in fact. And he does look a little spooked when you're close by.]

Edited 2014-08-11 08:40 (UTC)

[ He leaves you alone for the first twenty minutes, deliberately giving you the space that you seem to need in order to breathe. Yes, doing that comes without it's own set of complications, because there are a handful of instances where he's looked over August's shoulder and found himself halting mid-sentence because every time you come into view, it's glaringly obvious that you're not at your best and whatever courage he thought he'd mustered over the last week is gradually fleeing his system.

He'd sent you gifts out of cowardice, because he hadn't known how to ask outright if you'd be alright with him coming home and trying again. That's kind of why he picked the DVD that he sent you for Christmas, even if he was mostly sure that you likely wouldn't watch it.

( Maybe he should have hunted up a book instead. You always preferred them to movies. On top of that, maybe he should have actually tried harder this year, or like, attended your birthday instead of quailing and begging off because he really wasn't sure if you wanted him around. )

Eitherway, it's time to kind of face the music and he's approaching you right after you finish up with someone else, hands tucked shyly in his coat and gaze unable to hold yours.

( God help him, this is going to kill him for real. ) ]

Hey.

[And he's really not sure how to feel over the fact that you've just... come over and greeted him. That much might be obvious in the shadows that cross over his face, and how - for a split second - he looks almost freaked by the fact that you're right there.]

Hi.

[Gaze to his hands now, which are clenching up before they can start shaking. It's all he can do, as well, to breathe right in your presence. He's missed you terribly, but he's still uncertain over whether you even want him in your life, or if he does any good for you at all. That uncertainty is what's got his chest all tight right now, and what's making it very hard for him to stay calm and on top of things at the moment.

Part of him wishes that he had never had that conversation with Riley during Christmas. Maybe if it had never happened, he wouldn't have been reminded of just how badly your absence in his life has affected him. That... kind of made waves, and he hasn't even begun to recover from the aftershock of that particular breakdown.]

[ This close, it's hard to miss the way your fingers curl into your palms, or the way he half-expected you to bolt the moment he was within arm's reach because of that look that crossed your features.

( How did he let it get this bad? So bad that you look like you'd prefer to be anywhere else but near him. )

Softly now, and canting his head gently to one side in order to catch your gaze: ] Can I borrow you for a sec?

[ He'd reach out and catch your hand, but he's so chickenshit he can't. ]

Edited 2014-08-11 09:26 (UTC)

[What for?

That is what he really wants to ask you right now. He probably would, if he didn't feel a bit like he was choking.

And yes, you'll see the darkened look that crosses through his eyes just once before he's swallowing, pressing his lips together and nodding.]

...Sure.

[This probably isn't going to go well for him, huh?]

[ It's against his better judgment, because for all he knows you'll pull away, but he's stepping close and catching your hand and drawing you off to one side where the both of you will have some sense of privacy.

He keeps his hold on your hand loose and as relaxed as he can make it. He's a bit too unsure to presume that you want him touching you, so he makes it so the option to slip your hand away is there.

When you're as away from the others as you both can manage though: ] I'm not sure if I'm allowed to say this but... [ swallowing now ] I miss you.

[Oh...

Riley had been right after all. It's a little embarrassing how hearing it from your own lips is enough to make him a little dizzy with relief.

Can he really afford to be happy this soon, though? Nothing's all that certain about the two of you these days, right?]

I miss you too.

[That comes out a lot softer than it should have.]

I'm sorry. I should have called you more often. I should have gone to your birthday too, and...

[And he should have, in general, been a much better person for you.]

[ It's such a relief to hear you echo his sentiments that he glances once off to the side to check if the two of you will actually be seen. He picked a fairly secluded area though, and so he takes a chance and leans in to press a kiss on your forehead.

He's also tangling his fingers more solidly with yours. ]

I love you. [ It feels so good to say that, even if it comes out a little too soft, a little too hushed, that it's like he's asking permission.

Forehead to yours now, if only for a brief moment because it is just so good to be talking to you -- face to face -- again. ] I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I've been such a jerk.

[And it's ridiculous, really, how nice it feels to have you close again, and to feel something as simple as your lips on his skin once more. (It's so nice it's a little heartbreaking.)

At your words, though, he's shaking his head.]

You haven't been. It's okay.

[Yeah he really believes that. Sorry, Riley.]

Yeah, [ saying that a bit more firmly now. ] Yes, I have.

[ This is probably the worse place to have this conversation but he'll.take what he can.

He's tracing the back of your hand with his thumb. ]

I... [ He's hesitating because he's scared. He's thirty years old and he's nervous as fuck that he's going to mess this up. ] I'd like to try again.

[ His voice drops to a whisper. ]

I-if you'll have me.

Of course. I didn't ever stop loving you, you know.

[And it seems like the feeling was mutual...? He really doesn't want to assume, but with the way that you look now, and the way you're talking to him...]

I'm just terrible at this, I guess.

[ There is a part of him that is quietly wondering why this is so easy ( Is it supposed to be this easy? This is a good thing, right? ) because he'd been watching you in that meeting all morning and he was pretty sure he was stressing you out by simply being in the same space as you. ]

I'm sorry I messed up so badly.

[ That is so lame, Josh. You can do better. ]

It's just that... our last conversation went the way it did, and then I thought that maybe you needed time away from me-- [ and then he'd booked that flight, and he'd learned too late that you'd made plans for the both of you, and it had grown harder and harder to come home. ]

I didn't want to hurt you anymore than I already did. [ His fingers curl around yours again. ] But I missed you so much.

[ Hence, the gifts. The occassional hello. Even if timing was always bad. You were busy. He had things to sort out. Timezones were also a thing. ]

Edited 2014-08-11 11:38 (UTC)

[They had missed each other again, it seemed. Josh had been out to give him space, and he had been out to give Josh space, and then they both just... kept at it.

He should have noticed it sooner, though. Isn't he supposed to be the one adjusting, and letting Josh lead the way for them both since he has the tendency to think too damned far and move too damned fast?]

It's really okay. We're both here now, so...

[Now that you've given him this chance, he'll just work at making sure that he won't end up stressing you out again.]

[ Yes. Yes, you are.

Josh steps closer, and both of his hands are holding both of yours now. ]

Hikaru... it's not okay. Please don't just say "it's okay."

[ Give him a bit. Let him explain. ]

Please, let me apologize for being such a jerk. [ He leans in, rests his brow against yours, and when he speaks again, his voice is really, really small. ] Please, let me say sorry. Because I'd really like to ask for your forgiveness.

Edited 2014-08-11 15:19 (UTC)

[It's right about impossible for him to do much else beyond stare at you and be, momentarily, at a loss over what to say or do next. The solidity of your presence is relieving in ways that he can't even begin to describe.

That might be why he's smiling just a bit, and then moving to kiss you, briefly, on the lips.]

I already forgave you a long time ago. I just... [And now the apprehension and the sadness is back in those eyes you like so much.] I just hope that you really think that I'm worth coming back to. I don't want to keep letting you down. I want to make you happy.

[Admittedly? It hurts to say these things. It really does.]

[ The kiss actually startles him, not because he didn't want it — on the contrary. He really, really wants to. He just doesn't want to spook you by coming on too strong.

It's the things you say after though, that make him blink. Because... what do you mean— ] Hikaru... I don't understand.

What do you mean 'let me down'? And why would you ever think that you don't make me happy?

[ You're kind of the love of his life. There is a— no, he's not going to go there because if he goes there he might slip up and mention it and now is not the time. ]

I love you. Of course you make me happy.

[It's both frightening and relieving, hearing you tell him that. Now he just has to work at truly and absolutely believing it, because sometimes? He doubts. And that isn't on you at all.]

I love you too. [A painful little pause.] A lot.

[And maybe too intensely, because it always trips him up and always makes him do things that drive you away, or frustrate you, or...]

[ ...He's going to interrupt that line of thought by tipping up your chin and kissing you full on the mouth.

He's missed the taste of you on his lips. ]

Come home with me? Please?

[Well.

That was nice.]

Yes. I would like to.

[He's this close, in fact, to thanking you profusely for letting him. This past year has been an exercise in seeing just how incapable he is of living without you in his life now.]

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