[CLOSED] tell me what can i say ( what can i say, what can i say )

[larue]

WHO: Hikaru Shinta, Joshua LaRue + Rhiannon Board of Directors and Senior Partners
WHAT: Hello, Again.
WHERE: The Rhiannon Towers - Tokyo, Japan
WHEN: 2 January 2066
SAFE FOR WORK? Yup!
OTHER NOTES: ALL THE AWKWARD.



[ The Universe is mocking him.

That is Joshua LaRue's precise thought as he hurries past the reception area of the Rhiannon Towers in Tokyo to head straight for the elevator that will take him up to where the Board of Directors and Rhiannon's Senior Partners are meeting for the Annual post-New Year's meeting.

Everything had been planned down on his end right down to the tiniest detail: he'd touched down in Narita early the evening before, checked into his hotel ( because, no, not staying at Seigi where Hikaru might be ) and made damn sure to deal with the jetlag he was feeling and forcibly worked to align his body clock to the change in timezone.

This morning, he'd gotten up at the crack of daw, had breakfast up in his room, gone through all the necessary documents he had to review for the meeting, checked his own presentation and got ready to leave with more than enough time to spare.

Everything was perfect: he should have arrived at the Towers an hour early, which would let him get a feel of things and have time to figure out how to adjust accordingly to Hikaru's presence.

And then a freak road accident backed up traffic for about an hour and a half.

Now he's late, flustered, a little stressed and stopping only for a minute outside the boardroom to straighten his tie and run a hand through his hair before he quietly turns that knob to step in—

—right as Hikaru's up front and talking.

Someone shoot him now.

( Your evoker is in the shape of a handgun, Joshua. )

LEO. SHUT. UP.

( I was just being helpful. )

He would really like to do this day over. Please? ]

Sorry.

[ He'll just... quietly wander to the nearest empty chair. Carry on. ]

Comments

[larue]

[ It's almost as if he can feel that tiny, metaphorical crack in his heart when you look up at him as if you're not sure of what the answer will be.

He's been watching you: the way your shoulders curled in, the way you had to look away.

He can't remember who he told it to now, but he said, once, that sometimes it was odd, how you are the most dangerous, most powerful individual in the Vigil. And yet, in moments like these, when it's just the two of you and no one else, it's like he's holding an injured bird in the cradle of both hands and he's so terrified that if he holds on too tight -- he'll crush you without meaning to.

Maybe that's why the next words out of his mouth are the most awkward and yet most heartfelt ones he can come up with: ]

Do you need me to throw a shoe at your wall again?

[ It was bittersweet, the way you two first came together. You knew, he didn't, and he got to you just in time. He's not a Chariot anymore, he's not running towards a goal. But Strength means staying, weathering whatever storm comes. Giving you a place to come home to. ]

Because I will. If I have to. I totally will.

[ He can feel the tear slip down his own cheek. ] I'm not going anywhere, Hikaru. Never again. I'm going to be right where you need me this time.

[icarusalsoflew]

[Of course you'd be capable of making him laugh. It's weak, yes, but that you managed it in the first place is nothing short of amazing, not to mention beautiful.

Please excuse this one as he slumps forward, pressing his forehead against yours. His lips quiver before he manages to press them together tight.

Breathe in, breathe out. The least he could do is try to not be so overwhelmed, and try to keep it together...]

Can I... [A hitched sound, like something caught between a sigh and a sob.] Can I borrow your shoulder for a bit?

[larue]

[ He doesn't answer, at least not with words. He just draws you in and tucks your head under his chin.

You don't need to ask for permission. He's yours, remember? He'll always be yours, for as long as he can breathe. ]

[icarusalsoflew]

[And that's all it takes for the remnants of his control to tear themselves to shreds. You'll feel the way he trembles in your arms, and hear how the first of his sobs wrack his body. Moments after that, he's reaching out and clinging to you tight, like a frightened child.

He isn't even sure why he's breaking down now. You're here, he's here, you're both alive, you're both okay, and you're both standing, for the first time in ages, on the same page --

-- or maybe that's precisely why he's falling apart again. It's that odd and confusing and ugly mix of overwhelming happiness and relief together with the guilt and the shame and the grief that he bottled up for far too long on purpose.

He nearly lost you; he nearly drove you away. He nearly lost everything. Being back in your embrace, surrounded by the familiar smell of you and having your skin and your body under his touch while he can rest easy under the weight of your gaze is doing little else, at the moment, but remind him of all of that.]

[larue]

[ It's surprising how, the moment the sobs start to wrench themselves from you, he's no longer frightened with the thought that he caused this, yet again. Maybe it's because last year was the longest you two ever stayed apart from each other, maybe it's because the thing that everyone else sees and speaks of with certainty is something he can finally, properly, wrap his head around.

Yes, he caused this, but that's alright. He's here now. You're in his arms. And grief is a process that needs to happen before happiness can move in.

The bed's not too far, so he'll guide you over, sit down on that edge and then gather you up and help you curl up on his lap. He's got his nose pressed into your shoulder, and a palm moving in gentle circles over your back.

Cry it out, babe. He gets it now. He's sorry he couldn't see it sooner. ]

[icarusalsoflew]

[He starts quieting down about thirty minutes in, but it takes a little over an hour for him to really stop, to not end up getting wracked, sporadically, by the aftermath of his sorrow.

After he draws in the first few easier breaths he's been able to take since he broke down, he's quietly tucking his head under your chin a little more firmly, and his fingers are curling up into your coat.

You're here. Thank Elaine you're here. He's so fucking blessed, so goddamned lucky that you're not going to leave him.]

[larue]

[ There's a small smile that tugs at the corner of his mouth when he feels you curl in closer, and then he's pressing his lips to your forehead for the length of several heartbeats. The hand on your back stilled about ten minutes ago, his arm wrapped securely about your torso to steady you against his body.

It's still early out, but to say that it's been an exhausting day is kind of an understatement. ]

[icarusalsoflew]

[After about a minute more:]

Is it okay if I lie down for a bit?

[He's still so painfully careful, like he's worried that he really might get in your way.]

[larue]

Of course. [ There's really no such thing as 'in his way', Hikaru. But he doesn't know you're thinking that, which is why the only thing he's going to do is to shift to give you room.

He isn't going to crowd you, but it will be difficult for him to stop touching you because, as you might see from the way there's a crease between his brows and by the way that frown is on his lips -- he's worried.

You always wear yourself out from crying because you've always been the type to keep your feelings so closely guarded and under wraps. ]

[icarusalsoflew]

[He notices, midway through taking his coat off and loosening the top buttons of his top, that you're watching him. There's a smile in your direction (small, wan, brief) and a kiss on your cheek before he's setting his coat aside and quietly plopping down on the bed.

Curling up now, almost like a cat. He is beyond tired now. Also still wringing out those last echoes of misery and remembered pain from his system.]

[larue]

[ He watches you settle in and reaches over to gently stroke your hair before he leans in to kiss your forehead again. ]

I'm just going to change, okay?

[ He has some extra clothes in the bag he brought with him. He's going to lend you some because sleeping in that suit won't be comfortable no matter what you say. ]

[icarusalsoflew]

[He's never told you this, but he ascribes a lot of nice, comforting things to you stroking his hair like that. It's a simple gesture of comfort, yes, but it's always helped bring him back to himself in the past. Take, for example, that horrific time in '63 when he had thought that he had lost another father on his watch. There is, as well, those nights when he had woken up from recovering another shattered, bloody fragment of his past for the Key that they later used to bring him back to the Cycle.

Full stop. Maybe he shouldn't be thinking about stuff like that. Not when he might end up crying again.]

Okay.

[He hopes that it isn't too obvious how he's trying to hide his face from you for a bit. You're going to worry even more if he just loses it again.]

[larue]

[ He's going to gently stroke his thumb over your cheek. And no, his eyes haven't left your face at all. He sees you trying to hide, but he'll just smile and go: ]

I'll be right back.

[ He's going to take ten minutes, tops. And the he'll pad back over to you in a pair of sweats and a plain gray shirt. He's also got a folded shirt in one hand that he sets on the table, where he reaches for the knob to dim the lights.

He's going to crawl in beside you now. ]

[icarusalsoflew]

[And since ten minutes did go some ways at making Hikaru feel a little less like shit...

Have one violet eye cracking open the moment you come around, then two fixing on the shirt. Then a quirk of your boy's lips.]

That for me?

[larue]

Uh-hm. [ He's moving the backs of his fingers along the length of your forearm when he answers that. ]

I didn't have an extra pair of sweats though.

[icarusalsoflew]

Doesn't change the fact that you're such a considerate gentleman.

[Humor's a good sign, right? So is the fact that he's kissing you again before pushing himself up and taking off his top.

What might not be such a good sign, though, is the fact that in that brief moment you have to see your boy without a shirt, you're also going to see that yes, he's thinned out far too much. And there are some recent scars, like he's been on the kinds of engagements that could leave lasting damage on a Keeper of his level.]

[larue]

[ There's a moment when, as he's watching you, as he's seeing that -- that he actually forgets to breathe for about a second.

The weight loss, he had expected. He could see the signs of it in the shadows of your cheeks, the way your features are sharper than he's used to. You tend to forget to take care of yourself when other things occupy you. Like the way you will do all the things capable of distracting yourself.

At the end of it then, maybe the scars shouldn't surprise him too much. ]

[icarusalsoflew]

[He doesn't notice immediately because he's looking down at his pants and casting a small spell to make them a little more comfortable to sleep in (thank you, Matter magic). When he turns to you, though...]

What is it?

[It's only right to ask instead of operating, perpetually, on his own intuition with you. That takes him too far, too often.]

[larue]

[ He's reaching for you then, fingers curling at your elbow as he draws you near. ]

C'mere... [ He can't find it in himself to smooth back the frown that's put a knot between his brows and a line on his lips.

He's gently lifting up the back of your shirt now to get a better look at those scars. ( Forgive him, babe. It's worry for you on several levels, but it's really more concern than anything else that's got him like this. ) ]

Where'd these come from?

[icarusalsoflew]

[ His stomach sinks a little when he feels your hand curl around his elbow, but he doesn't struggle or try to move away. His gaze follows yours, right down to what remains of his own injuries.

There's a smile in your direction now, a touch helpless, apologetic, and ashamed. In retrospect, he should have expected you to notice eventually, and zone in on them.]

Do you want specifics, or can I plead guilty to the charge of being a little too reckless?

[larue]

[ Maybe it's precisely because you don't move away or try to brush it off that all he can really do is pull you back down onto his lap before he's pressing his lips to yours. ]

Whatever you feel comfortable telling me is fine.

[ That's said softly as he smooths down the back of your shirt. Had this been a year ago, he would have fussed, beat himself up over not being around to tell you to slow down. Now though, he's just loosely curling his arms about your waist and quietly searching your gaze. ]

[icarusalsoflew]

[That's... not the kind of reaction that he had been expecting, so excuse him if he stares blankly at you for a bit before laughing, just so, in what little air there is between you and putting his forehead against yours.]

Thank you. [For trying to understand. For taking things as they came. For attempting to give him some space.] There was a call a couple of months back. Terrorist group in China. They had some Grendal tech on them.

[Which would explain the injuries, wouldn't it?]

[larue]

[ He's going to nod at that, take what you said in and just... lean in close.

A couple of months ago, he was shuttling between Manila and the States. If he wasn't at Rhiannon or at home, he was over at the Other Brennan house, babysitting the toddlers. ]

Resistant? [ Yes. That's all he's asking. ]

[icarusalsoflew]

Yeah. Honestly, it looked worse than it actually was. Still does.

[This is, perhaps, the first conversation that either of you have had over this kind of situation. It's more than a little encouraging, especially in light of how things were between the two of you before... well. This.]

[larue]

[ And that's getting him to pull you in closer, so that he can rest his chin on your shoulder. It's over and done with. He wasn't there, and he has to admit that he'd deliberately turned his attentions away knowing full well that he wasn't anywhere near the kind of okay that would be good for you. ]

I'm really glad you're okay.

[ He's tilting his head to one side at that, resting his cheek on your shoulder. ]