[CLOSED] tell me what can i say ( what can i say, what can i say )

[larue]

WHO: Hikaru Shinta, Joshua LaRue + Rhiannon Board of Directors and Senior Partners
WHAT: Hello, Again.
WHERE: The Rhiannon Towers - Tokyo, Japan
WHEN: 2 January 2066
SAFE FOR WORK? Yup!
OTHER NOTES: ALL THE AWKWARD.



[ The Universe is mocking him.

That is Joshua LaRue's precise thought as he hurries past the reception area of the Rhiannon Towers in Tokyo to head straight for the elevator that will take him up to where the Board of Directors and Rhiannon's Senior Partners are meeting for the Annual post-New Year's meeting.

Everything had been planned down on his end right down to the tiniest detail: he'd touched down in Narita early the evening before, checked into his hotel ( because, no, not staying at Seigi where Hikaru might be ) and made damn sure to deal with the jetlag he was feeling and forcibly worked to align his body clock to the change in timezone.

This morning, he'd gotten up at the crack of daw, had breakfast up in his room, gone through all the necessary documents he had to review for the meeting, checked his own presentation and got ready to leave with more than enough time to spare.

Everything was perfect: he should have arrived at the Towers an hour early, which would let him get a feel of things and have time to figure out how to adjust accordingly to Hikaru's presence.

And then a freak road accident backed up traffic for about an hour and a half.

Now he's late, flustered, a little stressed and stopping only for a minute outside the boardroom to straighten his tie and run a hand through his hair before he quietly turns that knob to step in—

—right as Hikaru's up front and talking.

Someone shoot him now.

( Your evoker is in the shape of a handgun, Joshua. )

LEO. SHUT. UP.

( I was just being helpful. )

He would really like to do this day over. Please? ]

Sorry.

[ He'll just... quietly wander to the nearest empty chair. Carry on. ]

Comments

[icarusalsoflew]

[He's spent more than a few nights over the course of last year dreaming about the way that you're kissing him now. It'll always fascinate him, the way you could be so gentle yet so intense all at the same time.]

I'll stay for as long as you'll have me.

[An odd echo, perhaps, of the words you used on him back at the meeting. Seems like the both of you are similar in this way: feeling like this is much more than you could have hoped for, or deserved after how the two of you parted ways.]

[larue]

[ And because those are his feelings caught in his throat, and there he's left his heart at your feet, he's slipping from keeping himself in check as he goes: ]

Always. [ He knows its not a thing that will be, even with the fact that he's definitely going to be around for a long, long while. But it's what he wants, deep, deep down. ] For as long as I'm breathing, can it be 'always'?

[ He's cradling your face between his palms now, leaning his forehead to yours. ]

Because you're not going to be rid of me for a while. [ He can laugh ( and maybe cry ) with you about that, right? He can be relieved that he came back? That he's getting this chance with you? ]

[icarusalsoflew]

[He chuckles at that, but it's coming out a little choked.

"A while". There's one way of putting it.

And to think because he was such a fucking idiot, he nearly wasted all of this by not being able to handle his shit properly.]

That's a bit of an understatement, don't you think?

[If the smile that he turns up in your direction looks a little brittle, that might be because it is. And his eyes might be a little moist now. Might be.]

[larue]

[ He's grazing the pad of his thumb across your cheekbone. He doesn't notice the way your smile isn't quite a smile, not yet anyhow.

Forgive him, love. He's just a little lost in your eyes. ]

You know what I mean.

[ He hopes you do. He really hopes that what Jessie said before is still true. That one day, when you're both better and settled again, like his mom said, he can ask you and you'll say 'yes,' because he still wants that. He wants it more than ever. ]

[icarusalsoflew]

I do, which is why I'm half-tempted to ask you if you're sure about this.

[That comes out a little helpless, and maybe a few steps away from really vulnerable. It's not that he doesn't have faith in you, or in the fact that you love him. It's just hard to break that old habit of believing that it's really okay for somebody to love him and want him in their life the way that you seem to. The past year was a bit of a nasty reminder of just how terribly he could fuck things up.

That is how he views it anyway. Being back in the karmic cycle doesn't automatically make somebody so perfectly certain of one's place in the world, much less with the people they'd give up everything for.]

[larue]

[ Oh, babe. ]

Ask anyway.

[ Because some things need to be said. Or asked. Or mourned. He had been too afraid, too wrecked, too caught up in his own mess of a head to let you do any of that.

He'd like to make up for it, however he can. ]

Ask it anyway, Hikaru.

[icarusalsoflew]

[There's a short sigh at that, together with the drop of your boy's gaze and that old tell of his shoulders curling in like he wants to brace himself against whatever's going to come his way next. It takes him a while before he manages to muster up the strength to look back up at your face.]

Are you?

[That question trembles in the air, like it's full of too much emotion for it to be stable. The tears ins your boy's eyes have welled up as well, against his will.]

[larue]

[ It's almost as if he can feel that tiny, metaphorical crack in his heart when you look up at him as if you're not sure of what the answer will be.

He's been watching you: the way your shoulders curled in, the way you had to look away.

He can't remember who he told it to now, but he said, once, that sometimes it was odd, how you are the most dangerous, most powerful individual in the Vigil. And yet, in moments like these, when it's just the two of you and no one else, it's like he's holding an injured bird in the cradle of both hands and he's so terrified that if he holds on too tight -- he'll crush you without meaning to.

Maybe that's why the next words out of his mouth are the most awkward and yet most heartfelt ones he can come up with: ]

Do you need me to throw a shoe at your wall again?

[ It was bittersweet, the way you two first came together. You knew, he didn't, and he got to you just in time. He's not a Chariot anymore, he's not running towards a goal. But Strength means staying, weathering whatever storm comes. Giving you a place to come home to. ]

Because I will. If I have to. I totally will.

[ He can feel the tear slip down his own cheek. ] I'm not going anywhere, Hikaru. Never again. I'm going to be right where you need me this time.

[icarusalsoflew]

[Of course you'd be capable of making him laugh. It's weak, yes, but that you managed it in the first place is nothing short of amazing, not to mention beautiful.

Please excuse this one as he slumps forward, pressing his forehead against yours. His lips quiver before he manages to press them together tight.

Breathe in, breathe out. The least he could do is try to not be so overwhelmed, and try to keep it together...]

Can I... [A hitched sound, like something caught between a sigh and a sob.] Can I borrow your shoulder for a bit?

[larue]

[ He doesn't answer, at least not with words. He just draws you in and tucks your head under his chin.

You don't need to ask for permission. He's yours, remember? He'll always be yours, for as long as he can breathe. ]

[icarusalsoflew]

[And that's all it takes for the remnants of his control to tear themselves to shreds. You'll feel the way he trembles in your arms, and hear how the first of his sobs wrack his body. Moments after that, he's reaching out and clinging to you tight, like a frightened child.

He isn't even sure why he's breaking down now. You're here, he's here, you're both alive, you're both okay, and you're both standing, for the first time in ages, on the same page --

-- or maybe that's precisely why he's falling apart again. It's that odd and confusing and ugly mix of overwhelming happiness and relief together with the guilt and the shame and the grief that he bottled up for far too long on purpose.

He nearly lost you; he nearly drove you away. He nearly lost everything. Being back in your embrace, surrounded by the familiar smell of you and having your skin and your body under his touch while he can rest easy under the weight of your gaze is doing little else, at the moment, but remind him of all of that.]

[larue]

[ It's surprising how, the moment the sobs start to wrench themselves from you, he's no longer frightened with the thought that he caused this, yet again. Maybe it's because last year was the longest you two ever stayed apart from each other, maybe it's because the thing that everyone else sees and speaks of with certainty is something he can finally, properly, wrap his head around.

Yes, he caused this, but that's alright. He's here now. You're in his arms. And grief is a process that needs to happen before happiness can move in.

The bed's not too far, so he'll guide you over, sit down on that edge and then gather you up and help you curl up on his lap. He's got his nose pressed into your shoulder, and a palm moving in gentle circles over your back.

Cry it out, babe. He gets it now. He's sorry he couldn't see it sooner. ]

[icarusalsoflew]

[He starts quieting down about thirty minutes in, but it takes a little over an hour for him to really stop, to not end up getting wracked, sporadically, by the aftermath of his sorrow.

After he draws in the first few easier breaths he's been able to take since he broke down, he's quietly tucking his head under your chin a little more firmly, and his fingers are curling up into your coat.

You're here. Thank Elaine you're here. He's so fucking blessed, so goddamned lucky that you're not going to leave him.]

[larue]

[ There's a small smile that tugs at the corner of his mouth when he feels you curl in closer, and then he's pressing his lips to your forehead for the length of several heartbeats. The hand on your back stilled about ten minutes ago, his arm wrapped securely about your torso to steady you against his body.

It's still early out, but to say that it's been an exhausting day is kind of an understatement. ]

[icarusalsoflew]

[After about a minute more:]

Is it okay if I lie down for a bit?

[He's still so painfully careful, like he's worried that he really might get in your way.]

[larue]

Of course. [ There's really no such thing as 'in his way', Hikaru. But he doesn't know you're thinking that, which is why the only thing he's going to do is to shift to give you room.

He isn't going to crowd you, but it will be difficult for him to stop touching you because, as you might see from the way there's a crease between his brows and by the way that frown is on his lips -- he's worried.

You always wear yourself out from crying because you've always been the type to keep your feelings so closely guarded and under wraps. ]

[icarusalsoflew]

[He notices, midway through taking his coat off and loosening the top buttons of his top, that you're watching him. There's a smile in your direction (small, wan, brief) and a kiss on your cheek before he's setting his coat aside and quietly plopping down on the bed.

Curling up now, almost like a cat. He is beyond tired now. Also still wringing out those last echoes of misery and remembered pain from his system.]

[larue]

[ He watches you settle in and reaches over to gently stroke your hair before he leans in to kiss your forehead again. ]

I'm just going to change, okay?

[ He has some extra clothes in the bag he brought with him. He's going to lend you some because sleeping in that suit won't be comfortable no matter what you say. ]

[icarusalsoflew]

[He's never told you this, but he ascribes a lot of nice, comforting things to you stroking his hair like that. It's a simple gesture of comfort, yes, but it's always helped bring him back to himself in the past. Take, for example, that horrific time in '63 when he had thought that he had lost another father on his watch. There is, as well, those nights when he had woken up from recovering another shattered, bloody fragment of his past for the Key that they later used to bring him back to the Cycle.

Full stop. Maybe he shouldn't be thinking about stuff like that. Not when he might end up crying again.]

Okay.

[He hopes that it isn't too obvious how he's trying to hide his face from you for a bit. You're going to worry even more if he just loses it again.]

[larue]

[ He's going to gently stroke his thumb over your cheek. And no, his eyes haven't left your face at all. He sees you trying to hide, but he'll just smile and go: ]

I'll be right back.

[ He's going to take ten minutes, tops. And the he'll pad back over to you in a pair of sweats and a plain gray shirt. He's also got a folded shirt in one hand that he sets on the table, where he reaches for the knob to dim the lights.

He's going to crawl in beside you now. ]

[icarusalsoflew]

[And since ten minutes did go some ways at making Hikaru feel a little less like shit...

Have one violet eye cracking open the moment you come around, then two fixing on the shirt. Then a quirk of your boy's lips.]

That for me?

[larue]

Uh-hm. [ He's moving the backs of his fingers along the length of your forearm when he answers that. ]

I didn't have an extra pair of sweats though.

[icarusalsoflew]

Doesn't change the fact that you're such a considerate gentleman.

[Humor's a good sign, right? So is the fact that he's kissing you again before pushing himself up and taking off his top.

What might not be such a good sign, though, is the fact that in that brief moment you have to see your boy without a shirt, you're also going to see that yes, he's thinned out far too much. And there are some recent scars, like he's been on the kinds of engagements that could leave lasting damage on a Keeper of his level.]

[larue]

[ There's a moment when, as he's watching you, as he's seeing that -- that he actually forgets to breathe for about a second.

The weight loss, he had expected. He could see the signs of it in the shadows of your cheeks, the way your features are sharper than he's used to. You tend to forget to take care of yourself when other things occupy you. Like the way you will do all the things capable of distracting yourself.

At the end of it then, maybe the scars shouldn't surprise him too much. ]

[icarusalsoflew]

[He doesn't notice immediately because he's looking down at his pants and casting a small spell to make them a little more comfortable to sleep in (thank you, Matter magic). When he turns to you, though...]

What is it?

[It's only right to ask instead of operating, perpetually, on his own intuition with you. That takes him too far, too often.]