[CLOSED] Had I known how to save a life.

[larue]

WHO: Hikaru Shinta, Joshua LaRue
WHAT: Big Fight
WHERE: Hikaru's quarters at Falner Manor
WHEN: 16 December 2064
SAFE FOR WORK? Warnings for possible yelling.
OTHER NOTES: LOTS AND LOTS OF PAIN.



[ It's after he finally wraps up things with the Kaiser that Josh finds himself taking the first of severals steps to bring him towards the living quarters of the Kings. He's been down this hallway countless times before, either because he had come by to visit someone ( usually Rethe, on the days that the Angel was in ) or to see Hikaru, if not spend the night.

He's pausing outside the familiar door leading to the Blade King's room when he hesitates. The presence at the back of his head is quiet. Leo is the other half of his soul and Josh knows without a doubt that the Persona belongs there, but there's a hole in Josh's heart in the shape of his geist — Jonathan Davis, "Coach", the one he lost out there just a week ago.

Oh, God. Has it really been a week?

He can feel his Persona moving about in his headspace, offering as much understanding, comfort and support as it — he, Josh, his name is Leo, the lion of the Zodiac — can. Josh can feel the lion ( large and golden, steady and strong ) pacing at the back of his mind, waiting, patient and kind.

( We will grieve for him together, you and I, Joshua. Davis was a good man, and what he did for you before I will do now. You and I, we are one, and we will walk together from hereon out. But there are things that you need to see to. And one other person you must speak with before anything else. )

Like Hikaru: his best friend, his lover, and his leader in Zangyaku.

He's turning that knob now and stepping inside. ]

Comments

2 tags in and there are already a lot of Feelings. ;;

[icarusalsoflew]

[A little over an hour ago, while you were speaking to Lia, Hikaru Shinta was slumped forward on his couch with his head buried in his hands. He had meant to continue working through the engagement reports that were piled on his desk, but then he had gotten the notification from Netsach regarding the status of one Joshua LaRue and...

And...

Ten minutes before your arrival, your boy finally managed to pull enough of himself together to sit up, dry his eyes, wash his face and light up a cigarette. And now, the moment you enter, you're going to find him, all dark eyes and pursed lips, reading one of the reports he had abandoned earlier. He's wearing glasses at the moment because the glare hurts him. It's been THAT stressful for him, as of late.

It's a bit hard to determine the entire depth and breadth of what he is feeling right now, but one thing's for certain: he's pretty damned upset.]

you signed up for this. we both did.

[larue]

[ For a moment, all Josh can really do is stand there, watching the way Hikaru is going through that file.

He's having and odd flashback to sometime in late 2063 when, after that first impromptu merienda with the rest of the people under his care in the Human Resources Department of the Rhiannon Towers in Taguig, one of the senior agents had come in to have a quick talk. How did that go again? Right. "How are you really, boss?" ]

Tadaima.

[ He's walking over at that, coming up to where the Blade King is sitting and leaning down with the intention to press a kiss to his boyfriend's cheek. ]

all the necessary evil. orz

[icarusalsoflew]

[There's a glance up in your direction through a fringe of hair, and for a split second before the shutters go back up, maybe you'll see a hint of the wild grief, overwhelming upset and considerable anger that your boy's feeling at the moment.

(It is, by the way, anger at the situation and the circumstances that got you killed, but it's not like you can put labels to this sort of thing. Maybe less misunderstandings would happen if you could.)]

Okaeri.

[The word's soft and this one's lips, and he moves only minutely to let you kiss him. It's entirely possible that you'll be able feel the tension threaded up in his body, quivering just beneath his skin.

He doesn't know where to place himself, how to begin dealing with everything he is feeling. Not being able to place himself with you, especially, is a bitch.]

[larue]

[ He does see it. It's a little hard to miss when Josh is this close and every last cell in his body has admittedly been bracing for this conversation. He died out there on a routine survey in Dark Hour.

He died. ]

Hikaru... [ He's reaching up to catch you gently by the chin. His voice is soft, uncertain. He can see how upset you are, and he wants to hit himself for being yet again the reason. ]

Babe, look at me.

[icarusalsoflew]

[He tells himself, at first, that he really ought to listen to you. Maybe he can handle it. Maybe he can get a reign on --

-- no. No, he really, really can't. The familiar things that make you who you are for him (your scent, the precise way that you fill the air), the specific blue of your eyes, the planes and angles of your face) are painful to death with right now.

Why did you have to come and see him so soon? If you had just given him a day, maybe two or three, he would have been able to buckle down, shelve what he had to, and been ready to speak to you. To see you, perhaps, not be reminded of the fact that he nearly lost you and he didn't even know it until after the fact.]

You're done with arrangements for Netsach and Rhiannon, I take it.

[The deflection's painfully obvious, but it's the only thing he can grasp at right now.]

[larue]

[ He only realizes that he's begun to clench his molars when he swallows. ]

Yeah, I have. [ He's let his hand drop now, and he takes a knee right beside your chair. ] It's all done.

[ He considers — for one very brief moment, that Leo quietly makes clear to remind him is a bad idea — that perhaps he should back off and give you time. Instead, he reaches for your hands and tries again. ]

Babe, look at me.

[icarusalsoflew]

[But he isn't listening to you. He's so afraid that he'll break, or say something he really doesn't mean. As such, instead of glancing over, instead of letting you hold on to him, he's fixing his attentions quite firmly on his work.

Tablet this time, on the soft copy of a document that he had not been able to bring himself to look at since Brianna Lopez had let him in on what was really going on, and also on Zangyaku's roster of oni-tsukai.


LARUE, JOSHUA.
DIVISION & ASSIGNED POWER BASE: RASHINBAN {Oni-Tsukai [Ten]/Nami {Ten}) / Kibo (the Falner Estate)
BLADE: THE WAR HOUNDS.
CLASS: SIN-EATER. (GEIST: DAVIS)_


Sin-Eater. (Geist: Davis)

It's hard to breathe all of a sudden.]

I'll handle Zangyaku's end for you, then.

[larue]

[ Maybe it's because you've barely looked at him since he walked in, maybe it's the fact that he still can't wrap his entire brain around the way his entire world has been taken apart, shaken and turned around — maybe it's just that he just honest to Elaine needs something familiar, unshakable and utterly certain ( his love for you, your love for him ) to latch onto, that he goes: ]

For God's sake, look at me.

[ It's barely above a whisper, but even a whisper sounds gunshot loud in the oppressive silence of this room. ]

[icarusalsoflew]

[And it's certainly enough to make him go still, and swallow the huge lump of emotion that has built up in his throat.

You rarely talk to him that way. He could still count, on one hand, the few times it had happened in the past, and that was already over the course of the years that you have both known each other.

He sets his jaw and forces himself to obey you, even while his fingers are fixing that bloody dossier.

CLASS: CARD (TRIUMPH: STRENGTH // PERSONA: LEO)._ ]

I suppose you're going to take a shore leave.

[Most people who go through shit like yours do. (He'd like you to, at any rate.)]

[larue]

[ He's trying really, really hard to understand why you're doing this. Why you're being so distant, so terribly contained.

He needs you so badly and he might as well be on the other side of that door. ]

I plan to.

[ The words come out flatter than he intends. ]

[icarusalsoflew]

[Something that he can't bring himself to tell you just yet is that he's holding himself as far away from this as he can in order to make sure that he doesn't lose his mind over all of this.]

I'll let your Magistrate know. We'll handle shifting any pending assignments that you have to other operatives.

[Maybe if he wasn't such a weak shit, he could be a better man, and he'd be able to really talk to you right now.]

[larue]

[ He's going to reach for you again, because this is ripping something inside of him apart, he can feel the seams straining, and he needs this — he is so, so sorry that he can't be strong about this right now. He used to be a Chariot, and now he knows that his Triumph is Strength. He'd never known what Arcana really looked like until he looked above Brianna's head and saw that she, like with Kaz, could be his Star.

He'd look above yours to see, even if he already knows what it is and that it is there for every other Card to see — but he can't because as a Sin-Eater he'd seen something else, a clock that had occasionally given him stress, because he was mortal and losing you at any point within his life cycle would have meant that your time together would have been cut short.

But that's not the case anymore... right? ]

Do what you need to do.

[ His tries to slip his fingers through yours. ]

[icarusalsoflew]

[While he doesn't pull away, he doesn't grip those fingers tight in the way that he normally would have. He is, in fact, staring down at your intertwined hands like he can't figure out why they're tangled together.

(In truth, your proximity is killing him. He can't negotiate around how upset he is, and focus solely on the relief of having you back with him.)

There is a long and painful pause on Hikaru's end before he speaks again.]

If this is the only matter that we need to discuss, then...

[He'd really like to have a bit of time to breathe.]

[larue]

[ "If this is the only matter we need to discuss."

You can't seriously—

( Joshua? )

Later. ]

You sound like you want to send me away.

[icarusalsoflew]

[The hurt and the surprise wells up in his eyes, and for a few seconds, he can't actually speak.]

I...

[He doesn't, at least not really. He's just certain that he won't be able to help you, not while his heart's a mess and his own feelings are all over the place.

But how can he tell you that? How can he tell you about any of the things that he's dealing with at the moment? It'll all sound so terrible or outright selfish once the words have left his lips, and they might just take a whole new meaning of their own for you regardless of what he does.]

[larue]

[ He can feel Leo pacing around, restless and concerned, but his attention is focused on the way his chest feels tight and his fingers around yours falters even as he's trying to gather his composure.

He can't even look at you straight. ]

[icarusalsoflew]

[And in another headspace:

(Brother.)

Not now. Please.]

I just... [He swallows, shuts his eyes for longer than a blink.] I just don't know what to say about any of this.

[He also doesn't know what to do or what to think, or how he ought to feel. Scratching the surface alone is enough to make him dizzy with unprocessed grief, and a whole complicated mess of frustration and distress.]

[larue]

[ He looks back up at your face when he hears you speak again. His heart still hurts and there's something about this whole conversation that's making him feel utterly claustrophobic and he just— ]

You don't need to say anything.

[ You really don't. Just let him stay with you. Let him be here.

He's reaching for you a third time now, shifting so that he can slip his hands along your waist instead of just holding onto your fingers; so that he can rest his head on your knee because he can't word it, but he needs this: you, close-by, as he finally has room to process the irrefutable fact that he'd died and come back a second time. ]

[icarusalsoflew]

[But he's tensing up before he can stop himself, all pursed lips, clenched hands, set shoulders, hitched breath.

He regrets this reaction on his part almost immediately. You're not going to take it well, and he wouldn't be able to blame you. This is on him.]

[larue]

[ And right on cue, he does freeze, because while logically he's reminding himself that you have differing ways of coping with things from each other — it still stings. ]

Sorry.

[ He'll pull back now.

Maybe he should go. ]

[icarusalsoflew]

[It's hard to tell what's worse now that there's a bit of space between the two of you again: having you close, or having you not-close-enough. Any amount of distance seems impossible to cross at the moment.

The silence is getting is oppressive. He keeps his gaze elsewhere, and tries to ignore the way his hands are shaking.]

You don't need to apologize for anything.

[But the words sound hollow, even to his own ears.]

[larue]

[ He doesn't quite catch that. It's largely because Josh has slipped into a sort-of-sitting position on the floor and has his face in one hand because he's trying very, very hard to swallow down that ugly, clawing feeling at the back of his throat; the very same one prompting his eyes to well up with tears.

He needs to stand up. Maybe figure out how to get some air back into his lungs. ]

[icarusalsoflew]

Josh...

[Your name dies on his lips. Why is it that he can never seem to truly be around for you when you need him to? Why does it seem like he always picks the absolutely worst time to suck at dealing with his own shit?]

[larue]

[ He shakes his head and pushes himself up onto his own two feet.

He can do this. He can. Clearly, this isn't the time or place for him to be crumbling down and if you need him to go, he will. ]

It's okay. [ He barely registers actually saying that the first time. ] It's okay.

[icarusalsoflew]

[And now he can't do anything but look at you, because he's seen you like this before. It's enough to fill his own thoughts with static, and drop more stones in his gut, his lungs, his chest.

What makes all of it worse, of course, is that he knows that he's pushed you to this. Like always.]

I'm sorry. [He stumbles a little, which must be a tad shameful. It's just two words, Blade King.] If you want to stay, then...

[And here is your boy again, scrambling to push everything aside even if it hurts him all because it looks like you need him.]