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falnerestate2014-08-08 06:08 pm
larue) wrote in falnerestate2014-08-08 06:08 pm
Entry tags:
[CLOSED] Had I known how to save a life.
WHO: Hikaru Shinta, Joshua LaRue
WHAT: Big Fight
WHERE: Hikaru's quarters at Falner Manor
WHEN: 16 December 2064
SAFE FOR WORK? Warnings for possible yelling.
OTHER NOTES: LOTS AND LOTS OF PAIN.
[ It's after he finally wraps up things with the Kaiser that Josh finds himself taking the first of severals steps to bring him towards the living quarters of the Kings. He's been down this hallway countless times before, either because he had come by to visit someone ( usually Rethe, on the days that the Angel was in ) or to see Hikaru, if not spend the night.
He's pausing outside the familiar door leading to the Blade King's room when he hesitates. The presence at the back of his head is quiet. Leo is the other half of his soul and Josh knows without a doubt that the Persona belongs there, but there's a hole in Josh's heart in the shape of his geist β Jonathan Davis, "Coach", the one he lost out there just a week ago.
Oh, God. Has it really been a week?
He can feel his Persona moving about in his headspace, offering as much understanding, comfort and support as it β he, Josh, his name is Leo, the lion of the Zodiac β can. Josh can feel the lion ( large and golden, steady and strong ) pacing at the back of his mind, waiting, patient and kind.
Like Hikaru: his best friend, his lover, and his leader in Zangyaku.
He's turning that knob now and stepping inside. ]
WHAT: Big Fight
WHERE: Hikaru's quarters at Falner Manor
WHEN: 16 December 2064
SAFE FOR WORK? Warnings for possible yelling.
OTHER NOTES: LOTS AND LOTS OF PAIN.
[ It's after he finally wraps up things with the Kaiser that Josh finds himself taking the first of severals steps to bring him towards the living quarters of the Kings. He's been down this hallway countless times before, either because he had come by to visit someone ( usually Rethe, on the days that the Angel was in ) or to see Hikaru, if not spend the night.
He's pausing outside the familiar door leading to the Blade King's room when he hesitates. The presence at the back of his head is quiet. Leo is the other half of his soul and Josh knows without a doubt that the Persona belongs there, but there's a hole in Josh's heart in the shape of his geist β Jonathan Davis, "Coach", the one he lost out there just a week ago.
Oh, God. Has it really been a week?
He can feel his Persona moving about in his headspace, offering as much understanding, comfort and support as it β he, Josh, his name is Leo, the lion of the Zodiac β can. Josh can feel the lion ( large and golden, steady and strong ) pacing at the back of his mind, waiting, patient and kind.
- ( We will grieve for him together, you and I, Joshua. Davis was a good man, and what he did for you before I will do now. You and I, we are one, and we will walk together from hereon out. But there are things that you need to see to. And one other person you must speak with before anything else. )
Like Hikaru: his best friend, his lover, and his leader in Zangyaku.
He's turning that knob now and stepping inside. ]
no subject
It doesn't work nearly as well as it ought to. That much should be obvious in the low, tight way that his words come out, and maybe in the fact that his eyes are a little moist.]
Then I'm sorry I'm too slow to read your mind and figure out exactly what you need. I'm sorry I'm too fucked up to "handle it", and I'm sorry for not wanting to be upset and hoping to Elaine that I don't end up saying something that I don't mean to somebody who means everything to me.
[That last part chokes him up. Breathe in, breathe out, Shinta. Try not to cut little wounds into your palms with your own fingernails there.]
There. Happy?
no subject
When have I ever asked you to read my mind? When have I ever thought less of you for being unable to handle things? [ Did he ever resent you for being unable to deal with Brianna? No. Did he ever pressure you into thinking you two had to make up? No. Has he ever questioned any of your fears, irrational as some of them might have seemed? No. God fucking damn it. He's not glass. He's never going to leave you. He'd also like to believe that he's not the type to hold things against you because it would have been pointless to waste what precious time you both had left. ]
Do you actually think that anything you say could actually drive me away? We've been together over a year now. More, if you count fucking Arcadia and the shit we went through there.
No. I'm not happy about having to drag this out of you this way and feel like I'm bullying you into actually just talking to me and letting me know what you want.
no subject
[Because it's not about him being worried that you'll think less of him. It is, once again, all about him just not wanting to hurt you as much as he possibly could, and - quite frankly? There ARE things that he could say that would end up driving you away, or causing permanent damage.
Seems like that method never works out the way he wants it to, though, and now it's led the both of you down to this.
To his credit(?), when he said those words, he did it with a lifted chin and a steady gaze - two things that are completely different from the mess of thoughts and feelings inside of him that need nothing more than for him to get the fuck out of here and break down in peace. It's just going to make you feel bad again, isn't it? If you saw that, after all of this.]
no subject
Naive? Possibly. But isn't that what makes him who he is? That he only ever asks anyone to try even if they think it won't work. ]
I can't change the way you think. I don't think anyone except you could.
[ It always stings to hear you say that you'll be a disappointment. It makes him wonder if it's him, if he's doing something wrong by sticking it out with you for so very long and how, no matter how crappy things get, no matter what he sees, he already belongs to you.
He takes a breath in ( shuddering, halting ) and he can feel his eyes welling up. You don't need to see him lose it and break down. Knowing you, you'll heap the blame on yourself. ] I need some air.
no subject
Yes. That.]
And I need to go.
[Turning away again. It might look like it's easy for him to do that. (It isn't. It really fucking isn't.)]
See you in a few hours.
[Hopefully. Provided, of course, that you actually still want to see him. Times like this make him doubt that.]
no subject
It hurts to watch you go, especially in light of the things that he's said, things he can't take back even if he wanted to. Tonight is just not his night. This fucking week just isn't his week and if he has to watch you go, he doesn't know what he'll do.
He'll wait for you to go before he steps outside, taking each step down that staircase leading down to the main entrance carefully because his body feels like it wants to run and he knows that if he starts he won't be able to stop until his head clears again.
He'll be outside then, sitting off to the side of the steps that Setsuna Shinta once sat at back in 2063. He'll smoke through his entire stash of cigarettes and then spend the next couple of hours either with his head in his hands or his attention on his phone as he touches base with his people. The announcement has gone up by now. People will know. ]
no subject
(Let's not think about that now: it's painful.)
That is why he's fresh from Duty and still about as rattled and emotional as he as when he left two hours in. Three hours in, and he's a bit calmer.
By the fourth hour, his mind is shot and his heart's a mess because doubt is rearing its ugly head and he's starting to wonder if you'll ever come around. That is counterbalanced by a valiant attempt, on his part, to continue to do what he's always done with you: place pure and perfect faith in you, in them, in the idea of the two of you being together and working out no matter what. All of that, though, is underscored, at the end of it, by the hurt that has welled up as a result of your latest exchange.
Everything - his resolve, his faith, his composure - collapses a little after the fifth hour. That ends, of course, with him curled up on his side on the couch because he wasn't able to get to his bed in time. There is nothing, then, to hide the fact that he's crying into the sleeves of his shirt, into his arms and hands.
Anyone who might have the (mis)fortune of seeing him will probably admire the fact that even while he's this far gone and that far down, he's still got enough in him to try and muffle the sound of his own sobbing.
He'll try to stop and be better long before you come around. He really, really will. (But a big part of him is suddenly so sure that you won't be, and that is why he's crying.)]
no subject
At some point, three hours into waiting, he actually gets off his ass to stretch his legs -- that would have been around midnight. He would have walked to the Hall to grab coffee because there's a huge part of him that's pretty sure given the argument you both just had, it's unlikely that you'll be back before 3AM.
He loses another hour in the hall, staring blankly into his half-drunk cup of now cold coffee, resisting the urge to wring his hands as he replays all the awful things he just could keep behind a closed mouth. He's gotten good at hiding what he feels inside from other people, but it's so weird to not have Makoto or Davis to talk to, since the latter, he'd left with those rings in Gisi, and the former... ( Let yourself think about it, Josh. What was that thing from class? There are Five Stages to Grief? ) So he tries to converse with Leo instead. They're kind of joined to the soul now, might as well get to know each other better, right?
( Perhaps he has returned now, Joshua? It is almost dawn. )
He doesn't argue. Leo is right after all. So, at a little past four in the morning he's making his way out of the Hall and back to the manor, up those steps and back to the door of your room.
If you're not in, maybe he can nap on the couch. At least, in the quiet of a familiar space he can let himself cry in peace. ]
no subject
In retrospect, he really should have locked it. He had been too certain in his resolve to make sure that he was going to be better and ready to apologize to you and do just about whatever he needed to in order to make you feel better. Now that resolve has failed him.
He won't notice you, even if you peeked inside and saw the way he's curled up tight and quivering from the force of his own sobs on that couch, muffled as they are. The grief has run too deep, and even the Other in his head isn't doing anything to try and stop it, or help him.
Granted: you could always knock.]
no subject
He doesn't knock. Perhaps that's the tragedy of it: Josh opens that door ready to walk in and reach for the lights when he realizes that you're there, that you're crying and once again -- it's because he couldn't be the better man.
He'll stand there for what feels like an eternity, the tears finally welling up in his own eyes, thought scattered, heart broken because he always does this, doesn't he? Give you reason to hurt, to cry, to break down.
He can't speak. There are no words. Any apology he could offer would feel hollow because he wouldn't be able to word it right or make things better. He's too messed up right now, after failing to do what he'd promised to work for: to try to get Davis to Ascend and move on, no matter how long it takes.
He feels the gentle nudge from his Persona, the concern and question, but he tunes his other half out, quietly begging for a moment.
He loves you so much, Hikaru. He's sorry he didn't handle this better.
He should probably just go, but he did promise he'd wait for you to come back. ]
Hikaru.
[ That's coming out quietly as he steps back inside. ]
no subject
Josh.
[This? He wasn't expecting. And now he's hitting himself for it because you weren't supposed to see him like this.
He's scrambling to his feet in a heartbeat, and vehemently wiping his eyes dry with one hand. The tears are still behind his eyes and in his lungs, and stopping up his throat. He tries to swallow some of it down, and ducks his gaze.
By Elaine, what was he supposed to do now?]
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βexcept he hesitates and chooses instead to tuck his hands away and duck his head.
You never did like anyone seeing you vulnerable. And as far back as he can remember... he was never really exempt from that. ]
I was... downstairs. I wasn't sure you'd be back before dawn.
[ He's mumbling that softly, contrite and ashamed. ]
I justβ [ a breath ] βI just wanted to check on you.
[ No, he still can't look at you. What was it you said? That you'd be a disappointment? That implies expectations, you know. Does that mean he's always made you feel like there were?
He's lamely jerking a thumb back towards the door now. ]
I should... I should go. Sorry... Iβ [ It's getting hard to breathe again, and Elaine help him if he breaks down in front of you. He has no right. Not after what he said. ] βI'm sorry. I didn't mean to barge in here.
no subject
[But he isn't looking up either, and isn't moving to stop you. Granted, it's for different reasons on his end, and all of them are centered around the fact that he believes that you walking in and seeing just how much this has affected him is the last thing you need in your life.
Swallowing again (too many tears; internally, he's still drowning in them), breathing in, breathing out.]
...Thank you, though. For checking up on me.
[Because you didn't have to. It's not like he's done anything for you this entire evening, or for that matter, across this entire week.]
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But it's not like any other night. Words have been said, he's hurt you again, and he's not so sure it's a good idea for him to expose you to the fact that he's not alright right now.
So he makes a decision that he's pretty sure he'll regret, but he really ( perhaps, wrongfully ) believes is for the best. For now.
This is him walking over and catching your cheek to lift your face to his. Those are his lips pressing to yours. ] I love you. So much. [ That's him leaving his heart with you for safekeeping because he's too scared that if he turns to you now, when it feels like he needs far too much, he won't be able to stop taking and you don't need that burden on your shoulders.
He's pressing a second kiss to your forehead, and you'll be able to feel the way he's trying hard not to tremble and cry, only to fail to keep his shit together.
He's going to go and take that leave, file all the necessary documents and bench himself. Even if the Hounds haven't been on active duty as a whole blade in a while, it's his responsibility as leader to sit himself down when he's compromised. ]
I'll only be a phone call away, okay?
no subject
His eyes follow your face, even as you're kissing his forehead and stepping away. There should be words, maybe apologies; he should be telling you things.
Nothing comes out, not until that last moment.]
Okay.
[Being a phone call away always and ever implies distance, doesn't it? That's never felt real between the two of you before.
Now it does.]