[CLOSED] Had I known how to save a life.

[larue]

WHO: Hikaru Shinta, Joshua LaRue
WHAT: Big Fight
WHERE: Hikaru's quarters at Falner Manor
WHEN: 16 December 2064
SAFE FOR WORK? Warnings for possible yelling.
OTHER NOTES: LOTS AND LOTS OF PAIN.



[ It's after he finally wraps up things with the Kaiser that Josh finds himself taking the first of severals steps to bring him towards the living quarters of the Kings. He's been down this hallway countless times before, either because he had come by to visit someone ( usually Rethe, on the days that the Angel was in ) or to see Hikaru, if not spend the night.

He's pausing outside the familiar door leading to the Blade King's room when he hesitates. The presence at the back of his head is quiet. Leo is the other half of his soul and Josh knows without a doubt that the Persona belongs there, but there's a hole in Josh's heart in the shape of his geist — Jonathan Davis, "Coach", the one he lost out there just a week ago.

Oh, God. Has it really been a week?

He can feel his Persona moving about in his headspace, offering as much understanding, comfort and support as it — he, Josh, his name is Leo, the lion of the Zodiac — can. Josh can feel the lion ( large and golden, steady and strong ) pacing at the back of his mind, waiting, patient and kind.

( We will grieve for him together, you and I, Joshua. Davis was a good man, and what he did for you before I will do now. You and I, we are one, and we will walk together from hereon out. But there are things that you need to see to. And one other person you must speak with before anything else. )

Like Hikaru: his best friend, his lover, and his leader in Zangyaku.

He's turning that knob now and stepping inside. ]

Comments

[icarusalsoflew]

[That makes him go perfectly still, and then he's pushing himself up really quickly.]

Josh.

[This? He wasn't expecting. And now he's hitting himself for it because you weren't supposed to see him like this.

He's scrambling to his feet in a heartbeat, and vehemently wiping his eyes dry with one hand. The tears are still behind his eyes and in his lungs, and stopping up his throat. He tries to swallow some of it down, and ducks his gaze.

By Elaine, what was he supposed to do now?]

[larue]

[ He makes a move to step towards you, to reach out and maybe draw you in—

—except he hesitates and chooses instead to tuck his hands away and duck his head.

You never did like anyone seeing you vulnerable. And as far back as he can remember... he was never really exempt from that. ]

I was... downstairs. I wasn't sure you'd be back before dawn.

[ He's mumbling that softly, contrite and ashamed. ]

I just— [ a breath ] —I just wanted to check on you.

[ No, he still can't look at you. What was it you said? That you'd be a disappointment? That implies expectations, you know. Does that mean he's always made you feel like there were?

He's lamely jerking a thumb back towards the door now. ]

I should... I should go. Sorry... I— [ It's getting hard to breathe again, and Elaine help him if he breaks down in front of you. He has no right. Not after what he said. ] —I'm sorry. I didn't mean to barge in here.

[icarusalsoflew]

It's okay.

[But he isn't looking up either, and isn't moving to stop you. Granted, it's for different reasons on his end, and all of them are centered around the fact that he believes that you walking in and seeing just how much this has affected him is the last thing you need in your life.

Swallowing again (too many tears; internally, he's still drowning in them), breathing in, breathing out.]

...Thank you, though. For checking up on me.

[Because you didn't have to. It's not like he's done anything for you this entire evening, or for that matter, across this entire week.]

[larue]

[ There's a part of him that wishes that tonight was just like any other night. That you would ask him to stay, that you would be okay with having him stay.

But it's not like any other night. Words have been said, he's hurt you again, and he's not so sure it's a good idea for him to expose you to the fact that he's not alright right now.

So he makes a decision that he's pretty sure he'll regret, but he really ( perhaps, wrongfully ) believes is for the best. For now.

This is him walking over and catching your cheek to lift your face to his. Those are his lips pressing to yours. ] I love you. So much. [ That's him leaving his heart with you for safekeeping because he's too scared that if he turns to you now, when it feels like he needs far too much, he won't be able to stop taking and you don't need that burden on your shoulders.

He's pressing a second kiss to your forehead, and you'll be able to feel the way he's trying hard not to tremble and cry, only to fail to keep his shit together.

He's going to go and take that leave, file all the necessary documents and bench himself. Even if the Hounds haven't been on active duty as a whole blade in a while, it's his responsibility as leader to sit himself down when he's compromised. ]

I'll only be a phone call away, okay?

[icarusalsoflew]

[Maybe you'll notice how he tenses up the moment you get close, and it doesn't quite work itself out of his system even as you're kissing him. Maybe you'll see, as well, how his eyes squeezed shut the moment the familiar taste of you was back on his lips, and how - when he opened them - a few tears came loose, streaking down his cheeks.

His eyes follow your face, even as you're kissing his forehead and stepping away. There should be words, maybe apologies; he should be telling you things.

Nothing comes out, not until that last moment.]

Okay.

[Being a phone call away always and ever implies distance, doesn't it? That's never felt real between the two of you before.

Now it does.]